A while back I had the wonderful opportunity to watch a friend working with a troubled horse who had been badly abused by a prior owner and who has, as Jaime put it, “issues.” That’s putting it mildly. Watching Jaime step into the ring with that very angry and frightened horse certainly had my heart pounding. The horse began to circle the ring at a furious pace, hooves pounding harder and harder. His nostrils flared. He kept moving impossibly faster, his anger running away with him. Jaime stood in the middle of the ring, eyes on him at all times. He was clearly watching her, too, though he tried not to show it. He was watching her, testing her, furious at the world in that moment. As I watched the horse race around the ring, feeding on his own anger and fear, I realized I was watching what happens to a lot of us when we’re angry in conflict: We get hijacked by our own anger and temporarily lose our ability to access our own good skills. The result, in human terms, may be anything from a frightening physical or verbal display, to biting remarks, tears, stony silence, or acute stubbornness. With Jaime’s strong, gentle and non-judgmental presence, the horse slowly began to regain himself. He didn't so much run out of anger as begin to take his anger and do something different with it. His entire body language began to transform---his ears and head position shifted, he pace changed, his breathing slowed, his body slowly relaxed. Eventually, with Jaime’s permission, the horse slowly approached her in the center of the ring and nuzzled her coat, then her shoulder. His “issues” hadn’t magically gone away, but now he was ready and able to work on them. Jaime had helped him find his balance and it was awe-inspiring to watch. Like this horse, most of us already have many of the good skills we need to manage anger, fear, tension or conflict effectively. The key is to be able to access them before we go through the kind of energy draining, scary display that this horse displayed. Good conflict management is less about learning new or better skills than it is about learning how to access what you have when you need it most. To do this requires both a commitment to “self-work,” the reflective work on selves that you do when you’re not in a conflict interaction, and to noticing “choice points,” those places where you make a conscious choice to speak or do something that’s different from the old behavioral patterns that may not serve you well. Self-work consists of personal reflection that leads to greater understanding and perhaps to a commitment to grow and change. In terms of conflict engagement, self-work includes identifying the ways that conflict challenges you, reflecting on the types of situations or people you find most difficult (this says far more about you than it says about them!), developing awareness of your patterns and style of conflict engagement, detecting the reasons you’re triggered in conflict, and figuring out ways to manage your strong emotions in the heat of the moment. It’s not as daunting as it sounds and it is learnable with the right support and guidance. Noticing “choice points” in negotiations and conflict interactions is an easier matter if you've undertaken the self-work described above, because better self-management is going to help you slow down the pace of the interaction and be more aware of opportunities in your path. You know you’re on the right track when there’s a moment in a conflict or negotiation where you might normally have done one thing (perhaps something akin to flaring horse nostrils!) and you’re able to say to yourself, no, let me try another approach instead... Copyright © 2005 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved. Visit http://www.lenski.com for more tips and resources on talking things out in the work and home relationships that matter most. Get your free copy of Talking It Out in Ten, a worksheet and guide to help you think and prepare for your difficult conversation, by visiting http://www.lenski.com and clicking on Free Guide. You'll also receive Tammy's monthly newsletter and be entered automatically into a bi-monthly drawing for coaching and consulting time with Tammy. Dr. Tammy Lenski is the author of I Can't Say That!, a popular blog read by women all over the world. A professional mediator, conflict management coach and educator, Tammy works personally with women who want to keep their balance in conflict and step up to the conversations that really matter.