They see managing anger as a form of controlling it but, in reality the best way to manage anger is to understand it. Anger serves a purpose and you need to learn what it means and how you can express this anger constructively. You can learn a lot about yourself from understanding your anger and thereby grow as an individual. Anger is an emotion that many people fear and try to keep in check. Clients often come to me asking how to manage their anger. They equate anger with shouting, as a negative force. They see managing anger as a form of controlling it but, in reality the best way to manage anger is to understand it. Anger serves a purpose and you need to learn what it means and how you can express this anger constructively. You can learn a lot about yourself from understanding your anger and thereby grow as an individual. Denying the anger may mean denying a part of yourself which may prevent you from growing as a person. I have found that when a person tries too hard to manage their anger rather then understand it and deal with it, it can increase their anxiety. Though they may indeed control their anger, they then may suffer from a continual fear that they will lose control. In this short space I will attempt to describe different aspects of anger such as anger turned inward, anger as perception, and the difference between anger and rage.

Emotions, be it anger, fear, sadness, shame, or happiness appear to us as reactions to situations. Why then do some people in the same situation get furious while others get sad rather than angry? Emotions are triggered by your thoughts, perceptions and memories associated with a situation. A simple example: if someone calls you stupid for no reason, how would you react? Your reaction is based in great part by automatic thoughts you may be barely conscious of having. For the person who gets sad rather than angry, they may turn the anger inside, thinking: "it is true I am always making mistakes, I am an idiot." For the person who gets overly angry, their thoughts may be: "no one listens to me and they better start now!" A third example would be the indifferent person who does not personalize the comment and rather thinks, "I am not stupid and he is only trying to provoke me; it is his problem not mine."

Many people fear anger as they mistake it for rage. Rage is when you loss control, shout, scream, even get violent. Rage is that feeling of wanting to bang your head against a wall. Rage can be seen as a bottom-line defense against childhood powerlessness so therefore the powerlessness itself is what needs to be looked at.

Anger can be expressed in many ways; silence, sarcastic comments, just a look of contempt, shouting, etc. Our physical body expresses emotions. When you are happy you smile or laugh, and when you are angry you tend to raise your voice. These are natural reactions.

Here are 6 steps to use to help understand and thereby manage your anger: 1. Recognize and acknowledge your anger (ex. use the word anger, not annoyed or irritated). 2. Accept and validate your anger without judgment. Separate the feeling of anger from the action of expressing it. 3. Look at what you are angry about, what triggers your anger. 4. Why are you angry? Reflect on this anger, on past associations and memories being brought up. You can learn much about yourself through understanding why you are angry. 5. What is the most appropriate way to express this anger? Think of the many ways to express dissatisfaction, which is indeed anger. 6. Were your choices appropriate, effective, if not, why? Now is the time for choice and judgment. Remember that expressing anger is a means of communication. Anger used appropriately lets other people knew that you want to be treated with respect.

Sometimes you can do this alone but often it helps to have someone else, a friend, family member who knows you well and is detached from the situation. Counseling can also help to understand your triggers and your reactions. Once you know what triggers your anger, you can learn ways to calm yourself down, to deal with these feelings in other more constructive ways.

About the author: Rivkah Horowitz is an experienced psychotherapist who has worked with clients for 15 years, dealing with depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. She uses cognitive-behavioral therapy and relaxation techniques for stress reduction. Rivkah has recently started a telephone counseling service to reach out to people who otherwise could not receive help. If you feel you could use more guidance please look at her web site www.caringtelecounseling.com.