We've all had those neighbors that abuse our hospitality. He borrows the leaf blower and then never brings it back. She borrows enough ingredients to start her own bakery. "Can you do me a little favor and take me to the store?" turns into a cross-country trip. You hate the inconvenience but you hate the guilt trips they'll give you if you refuse even more. These problems are typified by this letter I recently received.

"My neighbor doesn't have a car, so about once a week she calls and asks me to take her grocery shopping. The problem is that I don't have all day to take her places. When I drop her off at the store, I tell her that I'll be back in forty-five minutes, but when I return she's never done. It takes her an hour and a half or more to finish her shopping, and by that time I'm pretty mad. She never says thanks, and when I mention that she's taking too long, she just gets irritated. I'm getting really tired of this, but I feel guilty that she doesn't have anybody who can take her anywhere. What can I do?"

We all have a responsibility to be loving toward the people around us. It's simply the right way to live, and it brings us lasting, genuine happiness. Other people, however, do not have the right to choose how loving we must be toward them. You're responsible to love your neighbor as much as you choose, not as much or in the way she chooses.

To illustrate, imagine that I come to your door and tell you I really need some money. You're a nice person, so you give me twenty dollars. But I say that's not enough, and I force my way into your house, where I go through your drawers and closets until I find enough to satisfy me. Are you obligated to stand there and let me do that? Ridiculous, and yet that is the situtation between you and your neighbor.

You don't have to give your neighbor a single minute of your time, but you choose to do give her your time anyway. You're offering her a gift-just as you offered me the twenty dollars in the brief visualization we did-but in each case she says (with her behavior) that your gift isn't enough, so she just takes more than you offer. But you're not obligated to allow that to happen. How much you give her is entirely your choice, and when you remember that, you'll feel less guilty.

When you get irritated at her, you're demonstrating that you expect something from her in return-gratitude, appreciation, kindness-which means you're not entirely giving her a gift. You're making a trade with her. You're trading your time and effort for her approval. Trades usually end up being perceived as unfair by one party or the other, and trading is not a loving or rewarding way to live.

Instead of trading, make a decision about what you're willing to do for her unconditionally. You decide how much of your time and resources you'll offer without any thought of return for yourself. Then offer your gift, fully prepared for her to be ungrateful, demanding, and irritated. When she demands more, you clearly and lovingly state what you're willing to do. But you don't give in and feel obligated to do more than you've previously decided.

How will this look in practical application? There are several ways you can approach this:

• The next time she asks you to take her to the store, tell her that you have exactly X minutes to give her-45 minutes, an hours, whatever. Don't bring up all the times she's been inconsiderate before. If you do that, she'll feel attacked and defensive. Just tell her what time you'll be coming to pick her up at the front of the store. Tell her that if she isn't finished when you come to get her, you have other places to be, and she'll have to get a taxi or other means of transportation home. Then if she's not there on time, you have to leave. She'll almost certainly be furious, but it will have been HER choice-not yours-not to be there at the appointed time.

• If she's late, you could also choose to wait for her-once again-but this time tell her that waiting past the appointed time is just causing too much diruption to your schedule, so you won't be able to take her shopping anymore.

• Tell her that you'd love to help her with her shopping, but she'll have to go at the times you choose to shop for your own family. She'll also have to complete her shopping in the time you allot for your own shopping.

The world is literally dying from a lack of the one thing essential for our happiness—Real Love. We spend our entire lives trying to replace that unconditional love with praise, power, sex, money, entertainment, safety, and so on. But it never works, and the resulting emptiness and fear are almost too much to bear.

We don’t have to live like this anymore. Greg Baer and RealLove.com are teaching (1) the real cause of fear and anger and (2) how to find this Real Love that replaces the fear, anger, and conflict in our lives with peace, confidence, and genuine happiness.

Dr. Greg Baer is the author of 16 books, DVDs, and CDs—two of which are internationally published by Penguin Putnam Group—and has presented the life-changing message of Real Love to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.

For more information on Real Love, including hours of free streaming video and audio, visit www.RealLove.com . You’ll be grateful for the rest of your life that you took this step.