We've all had addicts in our lives and we know it's not pretty. Addicts can't think clearly because their brain is so focused on whatever brings them the most pleasure, whether it's painkillers, coffee, sex, shopping, chocolate, vanilla wafers, or oxygen. And those are just my addictions.
Recently I've discovered that my dog Maddy Lou is addict. Like mother like dog, I guess. Her substance of choice? Algae. That's right, algae. And until you've seen an algae addict with the long stringy stuff hanging from her mouth, not even moving from her spot when you yell "Cookie," you haven't really seen them all.
There's a fish pond in my backyard. Waterfalls, streambed, koi, the whole thing. I blew $3500 on this pond, but the upside is I had less money for chocolate and vanilla wafers for almost a year. Now I just need to find another place to funnel my mad money.
Where there's a fish pond, there's going to be algae. Don't let the Pond People (doesn't that sound like a great title for a really bad sci fi movie?) sell you $500 worth of chemicals and scrubbing devices that promise to keep your pond algae free. Unless you turn it it to a chlorinated swimming hole -- which, by the way, will greatly disturb the fish's addiction to living -- there will be algae by the bucketful.
My husband and I both remove algae from the pond in our spare time, between fighting over how spicy to make the chili and watching how they built the pyramids on Discovery. I put the algae in a bucket and then dump the bucket in the compost pile. Hubby tosses the algae willy-nilly about the yard, despite my having asked him a thousand times NOT TO THROW THE ALGAE IN THE YARD BECAUSE MADDY LOU WILL EAT IT! I've even approached the conversation like you're supposed to do with a two-year old who supposed can't hear the word "Don't." I say "PUT THE ALGAE IN THE BUCKET," but again, he hears, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know, because he gets that same look on his face I get when he starts describing how to rebuild an engine.
So there's algae on the lawn and a dog with an algae addiction in the house. Needless to say, she spends all day pacing back and forth between wherever I am and the back door, begging to be let out. She tries everything. The look that says "I really DO need to pee this time." "Squirrel! I swear I saw a squirrel!" "Whoa! Was that a burglar stealing our koi?" It's pitiful really.
She's in detox now. I've cleaned all the algae I can from the back yard and I only let her out on supervised visits. I know my neighbors think I'm nuts as I follow my dog around the back yard like the Secret Service follows Dick Cheney every time he picks up a shotgun. I play a meditation videotape for her during the day to help her manage her Post Algae Stress Syndrome. I've even encouraged her brother to hump her to take her mind off her problems.
I'm hoping the onset of the rainy season will reduce the algae production and the likelihood of my husband leaving the warm, dry house for the backyard. But I'm not foolish enough to think breaking Maddy Lou's addiction will be that easy. Next year, I plan to tell hubby DO NOT TOSS THE ALGAE IN THE NEIGHBOR'S YARD.
Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant is an award-winning humor writer, corporate humor and motivational speaker, and stand-up comic. Check out her other funny stuff on http://www.accidentalcomic.com | 
