Shakespeare called jealousy the “green-eyed monster.” Jealousy is a powerful emotion, which has its roots in early childhood—when we recognize the world does not revolve around us—that there are others who are first, or receive attention and things we do not. This awareness comes into focus between ages two and three. If the child is lovingly guided through these moments of facing this harsh reality—jealousy is short lived. Unfortunately, few parents realize when a child is disappointed that he/she did not get the largest present or was unable to keep everyone’s attention that it is important to help the child reconcile his/her feelings. The child either stuffs the feelings or has a temper tantrum. If the child stuffs the feelings—everyone thinks all is well, only for these stuffed feelings to come out later as the “green-eyed monster.” If the child has a temper tantrum, parents usually treat the symptom—tantrum—and miss attending to the feelings, which precipitated the tantrum. Thus, the person reaches adulthood with these conflicts and a sense of insecurity and emotional weakness—i.e. powerless and uses jealousy as a way to gain control of issues which seem out of his/her control.

Jealousy is a toxic and debilitating emotion—one that causes harm to any relationship when the jealousy rears its ugly head. Jealousy leads to hurt, anger and other destructive behavior that ultimately hurts yourself and the relationships in your life. For example, you won’t run over to your neighbor and scream at her for buying a new car, but you might pick a fight with your significant other, because your family budget does not allow you to purchase a new car.

Jealousy quickly cripples a relationship if it isn’t resolved, and furthermore, you feel insecure and weak. In order to understand how to move out of jealous reactions, you need to figure out exactly why it is that you feel jealous.

Jealousy is expressed as: Envy, Dependency, Insecurity, Power and Extreme Jealousy

Envy:

Jealousy and envy are one in the same. You want something you don’t have or cannot measure up to. It’s no coincidence that if you feel envious, you are “green with envy.” If you feel jealous, you’re experiencing the “green-eyed monster.” “Green” is the color which reveals sickness. Unlike jealousy, envy is usually a little less destructive.

Dependency:

Jealousy as dependency is fueled by jealousy as insecurity, envy and power. Your jealousy in a relationship manifests because you want to be provided reassurance for future security purposes. You want to validate yourself and you want to be assured your partner won’t leave because you doubt your ability to be self-sufficient.

Insecurity:

Insecurity is a result of lack self-confidence or lack of confidence in the strength of a situation or relationship. Jealousy may also stem from feeling insecure about how the future will play out with someone, for example, with your partner or with a parent who pays more attention to your siblings. You need to return to your core confidence—the confidence you had before you realized the world was not centered only on you. You can be confident with yourself but insecure about your relationship, but you can rarely be confident with your relationship and insecure about yourself.

Power:

Jealousy also manifests in the struggle for power. Acting out your feelings of jealousy enables you to exert your power over something you believe is being threatened or might be taken away from you. Contrary to popular belief, jealousy does not prove to someone just how much you love them. You might also be giving power to the person who is involved in your jealousy, especially if you take your emotions too far. Purposely making someone jealous is another way to exert your power over them.

Extreme Jealousy:

Occasionally people experience jealousy, but quickly squash it before it turns into an over-reactive, hurtful situation. Others may choose to react with violence, anger, rage, dependency, possessiveness, self-criticism, resentment, embarrassment, loneliness or fear. These types of reactions are considered extreme jealousy, and if you exhibit these once or on a regular basis, you are risking pushing someone you love away.

Your partner does not want to feel like you question his/her love and devotion for him/her or that you are seeking to control him/her. She/he wants to feel that there is mutual trust in the relationship.

Jealousy does not enhance self-esteem, confidence or create a loving relationship. It is counter productive for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being because it produces anxiety and stress.

Getting a Handle on Jealousy:

The question is: How do you get a handle on jealous emotions and can you ever really eliminate them in every situation? The logical solution to avoid jealousy is to accept yourself for your imperfections, gifts and talents, and to involve yourself in healthy, solid and nurturing relationships.

Regaining self-confidence is not always easy, but confidence in yourself is key to eliminating the knee-jerk reaction of jealousy. You have gifts, talents and things others do not; while they have things you do not have.

C’est la vive (That is life) and you need to accept that or work on changing the things you want changed to make yourself feel better. When you feel good about who you are and what you are about, you will recognize that you are unique, interesting, capable of carrying on a healthy relationship and can offer your partner something others can not—your unique self.

To avoid jealousy in relationships, first choose a partner with a good track record of being trustworthy. You need to be up front with your partner about any doubts or fears you have and discuss how your fears can be put to rest. For example: Your partner leaves the house without telling you he is leaving, because he reasons that he will be gone only ten minutes and therefore, it is acceptable for him to do such a thing. For you this is an alarm bell—that he has left you—and you go into a panic mode. Telling your partner your want to know when she/he leaves—even if for only a few minutes. This is an easy and simple solution. Other issues may require several discussions to find an acceptable solution. If you request is valid you need to find a solution. If your partner is unwilling to listen to your needs or find a solution, then your jealousy will never subside and the relationship is not for you. However, constantly giving false accusations about what you think your partner’s intentions may be will push him/her away quickly.

Like it or not, ultimately you are responsible for how you deal with issues of jealousy. See my article on The Jealousy quiz.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Life Coach, author, "101 Great Ways To Improve Your Life," specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net